The Vevaphoninomicon

So, yes. My motherboard decided to do the honourable thing and end it's life, via the means of a non-functioning CPU fan. Bugger.

Cue a protracted period of time searching through the yellow pages to find a vaguely reputable-looking computer repair shop in the Liverpool area.

£125 later, and brand spanking new motherboard installed. IT shop (which shall remain nameless) somehow removed my password from the computer, and installed new antivirus software, claiming old software had thrown hissy-fit.

Cue confusion and no small degree of paranoia, shortly followed by scanning computer for malware and changing all passwords.

IT shop also claimed that old graphics card (Radeon X1950) would no longer fit in new motherboard, apparantly due to some kind of PCI-E problem that meant it "physically wouldn't fit" into the motherboard. Closer examination by myself revealed that graphics card would indeed fit into PCI slot without difficulty.

Cue scepticism of the ability of the aforementioned IT shop in telling arses from elbows.

Replaced graphics card, worrying that it might be jammed a little too close to the sound card for comfort. Restarted computer, carefully observing for flames and/or the smell of burning processors.

Cue deafening rattling noise.

Retrieved screw.

Restarted computer.

No clouds of black smoke as yet. Declared a tentative success...

Annoyingly, most of the best bits are exceptionally FOIP - hopefully mostly removed.
The Good:
* Wondering with a sense of growing panic about the contents of my DT return sheet
* Drug-addled lunacy - "That's Nefer Ka-Ra over there..."
* Double Plus Paranoia!
* Being searched for drugs by a teacherite High Priest.
* Being tied to a chair in the Viscount's kitchen, attempting to convince passers-by to give me port.
* Increasing levels of panic as we realised the full extent of Marguerite's condition
* Marguerite's last moments, and Azriphael's actions. That is all.
* The conversation with Caterina Flambardi shortly afterwards
* The funeral, wake and cremation
* The wonderfully polite yet subtly threatening Flembic interrogation
* Spurious theology
* Practicing the dread art of Diplomancy
* The Masked Tournament
* A pointless heroic charge against the Fallen
* Undercover work that almost netted the ultimate prize
* The sudden appearance of a certain Fallen
* THAT supplication. No, wait, THOSE supplications. (Remember, it's not a real supplication unless there's a damage call...)
* HAT IS IN CHARGE.
* Getting an uptime use from the least likely skill
* Eli's death and the events around it
* Two and a half nigh-total IC emotional breakdowns, which were both incredibly draining and yet somehow amazingly cathartic.

The Bad:
* Sunburn. Meh.

The Good:
* Going cold turkey from oco leading to some fantastic roleplay
* “We could always shout ‘For the Free Islands!’ and then kick them in the crotch”
* Delicious heresy becomes even more delicious
* Being interrupted whilst er... I believe the term is "expropriating"... by some other people planning to "expropriate" the same.
* Being five seconds away from slotting several White Jackets during drug-induced rage
* Ditto one of my own group members
* Paranoia paying off
* “Mass Detect Eidolon” // “Ah ****” *stabbity*
* The Bitter Moon Tea House
* Pierre Garcon
* Being repeatedly dragged from stew to hunt down the fallen
* The wake
* Undead discorporating when threatened with singing
* *That* maladiction
* *That* supplication
* Wondering if we could persuade a variety of eidolons to manifest as statues 100’ above Nefer’s tent
* “Well, you are half-golem”
* New Eidolons! Of the fairy-light variety, and of the scary Huntress variety
* Wondering why Azriphael had a toy rabbit tied to his armour, but being too terrified to ask
* “Which ****ing idiot mortally wounded them?” // “Ah, sorry, that was me.” // “Oh. Sorry, Lord Auriel”
* Having to persuade the refs that I wasn’t about to make the deity team cry again…
* The Pig Skin Children, the Tritoni, the Black Eagle, House du Vallon, Spine of the World, Glorious Hammer and the Bastet.
* Justice – for being as badass as usual
* Nefer – for causing as much angry priest rage as physically possible
* Everyone else I interacted with.

The Bad:
* Rain. Wind. Weather in general. Still, anything’s better than Tolmers.
* The IC tent: or, as we now refer to it: “The House Chatillion Death Trap”
* Not being able to talk to everyone I wanted to.

Well, I've now mostly recovered from the sleep deprivation, and all-in-all it went quite well. The Dungeon of 101 Annoying Traps worked fine, albeit with significantly less party casualties than I thought there would be. Highlights and detailed report below the cut.

( House of 101 Annoying Traps )

I'm exhausted, lobstered, and quite broken. But it was awesome.

The Yay:
- Finally getting to come down on thursday
- Running around on Friday like a mad thing, convinced that everything was all going horribly wrong, but somehow managing to (mostly) keep in control of the situation.
- The Pigskin Children, Lower City, Fidelians of all factions, White Wolves, Glorious Hammer, Havokstan, the Fallen, Freeport, and everyone else who I interacted with.
- And, of course, our new House Chatillion members.
- Theologically dubious experimentation. Science - it works, bitches!
- The House Chatillion Emergency Directive
- Drugs! Especially the impromptu game of Oco Roulette.
- "Eidolon Pokemon"
- Lots of cake. It was good cake.
- The Stefano Song.
- Overcomplicated codes
- The Battle of Nadaam. Seriously awesome, with enough little moments to fill another fifty pages of froth.

The Boo:
- Somebody should occasionally remind me to eat and drink something other than alcohol and tea.
- I should not be allowed port. It does not end well.

One week 'till Strom...

Still to do:

Uni Stuff:
1. Annoying Case Report(s)
2. Write presentation
3. Finish Out-Of-Hours Report

LARP Stuff:
4. Vampire ref meeting
5. Acquire booze
6. Acquire tent dressing (and possibly  tent)
7. Finish costume bits 'n' pieces
8. Write IC religious stuff
9. Pack stuff
10. Pick up James' stuff
11. Attempt to fit everything into car
12. Get to the event for the Thursday, for once :)

Also to do:
12. Attempt to deflect awkward questions about when I'll be running D&D.

This time, not sorted by game.

1. The sphere is called "Forces", not "Blowshituppus"
2. Control: Vengeance and Control: Power will not be referred to as "The Beast Traits of What I Was Going to Do Anyway"
3. Dominate is not the answer to all my problems
4. I am assured that there is no "Redneck Toreador" bloodline
5. There is no dance associated with "Malkavian Time"
6. Not allowed to unilaterally appoint myself National Clan Elder.
7. Especially if I'm a Caitiff
8. Not allowed to gift Clan Prestige: Setite to people just to undermine their reputation
9. Lord Regent Oliver Thrace, Prince Regent of Durham, objects to being portrayed as emo.
10. Friend Computer refuses to be portrayed as GLaDoS
11. Not allowed to offer "creative" interpretations of Hunter Code
12. Not allowed to turn House Chatillion into my own personality cult when Lady Marguerite is absent.
13. There is at least a theoretical limit to the amount of concealed weaponry I can fit under that greatcoat
14. Even if I am a priest, and wearing armour, that doesn't give me the right to start quoting "Dropping Like Flies" during religious ceremonies
15. Not allowed to redefine "necessary" to mean "if I feel like it".
16. I am politely requested not to stab those who I am initiating into the faith, unless they really do deserve it
17. Heaven's Truth Revealed is not a range-finder for Theurgy
18. It is considered bad taste to wander into other camps and cast Detect Undead for trouble-making purposes.
19. "Justice and the Delicate Art of Fidelian Torture" is not an appropriate topic for a symposium on faith
20. Neither is "Combat Drugs and You"
21. Flame, Seraph's Tear, Malefic Philtre and Rantsin is not an appropriate mixer for any spirit.
22. I will not learn additional languages purely to insult my elders in new and interesting ways.

Meh. I was bored.

Have some shirts, if that's your thing.

http://378169.spreadshirt.net/en/GB/Shop/Index/index

... was awesome.

The Good (in no particular order):
- The miracle of warm, dry feet
- New group members. You're all fantastic, guys.
- Somehow managing to survive it all, despite my best efforts
- The Fallen, still splendidly bastardly
- Cackling like a mad thing after hearing a certain bit of news about the Basilisk
- The lower city - "We could move to Fidelia" // "Do they have a lower city in Fidelia?" // "We could build this tent anywhere!"
- Disguises, terrible and fantastic
- "I suppose I should dispatch you now?" // "Oh, alright, go on then"
- The Basilisk Statue's fate
- Confusing visions
- "Would it be in bad taste to walk over there and cast 'Mass Detect Undead'?"
- Constance's Trial, and all the fall-out surrounding it
- Being yelled at by Lady Marguerite. Repeatedly.
- Spotting a certain person in the crowd halfway through the trial
- "How far would you say I am from Justice right now?" // "About five meters, maybe?" // "Excellent. Can you just make sure nobody's standing behind me..."
- Trying not to corpse whilst people discussed what to do with my oco-soaked body: "Should we shave his eyebrows off? Anyone got a razor?" // "I've got a scalpel.." // "We could always burn them off..."
- Letters from the Old World proving I was Doing It Right
- New eidolons! Who resolutely remain competent, sane and not fallen!
- Mokosh Cock Waving and the dread art of Diplomancy
- The death of a maidservant and it's consequences
- "He still owes us money" // "Perhaps we could beat him up and take his armour"


The Bad:
- Mudmudmudmudmud. Even my mud is covered in mud.
- Slugs on tent. Urgh.
- The Long Drive back from Tolmers

The Good:
* Angry, ranty, theologically dubious supplications
* Theologically dubious initiations
* The naming of a particular blessing...
* The Fez of Inappropriate Marriage
* Further ineffective druggings
* Delicious Heresy
* People's reactions to the news of the next hosts
* Ginger Cider. Mmm.
* The Legion Bash
* Shiny gifts from an unexpected source
* "Why does my sword feel sticky";  "That'll be my blood";  "Oh, sorry about that..."
* The Lower City, Sky Pony, Artemans, Fallen, Natives, and everyone else I interacted with
* The Deity team. Need I say more?
* Almost getting the bastards.

The Bad:
* Sunburn. Dehydration. Hangovers.
* Being too knackered to stay up much after time out
* The long, long drive back up from Tolmers
* Not having enough time to get everything done
* Not quite getting the bastards.

In no particular order

The Good:
* The Faith Game, in all its continuing glorious insanity
* Good old fashioned smiting of heresy
* Drugs. Drugs is good.
* The awkward few moments after being told who's wake we had just turned up to
* The Novak Carnival, even if I was hit in the face by a severed arm.
* Spider Jack
* "No-one stands me up on a date!"
* The Arethusa, whack-a-fallen, and the Holy Kazoos of the Merchant.
* Lady Marguerite's reaction to the whack-a-fallen
* Papa Abgal
* The small green ophidian complaining about the amount of sweets she had been forced to eat to prove they weren't poisioned.
* Pierre's Donuts. Nomnomnom.
* Chocolate cake. Nomnomnomnom.
* Witnessing the end to a Certain Eidolon Problem, and bitching with other group members that it meant we wouldn't be able to give it the kicking it deserved from last event.

The Bad:
* Too hot. Am currently resembling a lobster in complexion.
* Becoming horribly dehydrated

Random background fic for Valentin. Maybe a little FOIP for background, religion.
( Settling a Debt )

Vague win-condition type thing for Valentin. FOIP for headspace, vague hints at background etc.

Written late last night, so of quite dubious quality.

 

( Ashes )

 

Cross-posted to lrpdrabbles. First fic for Valentin, and am massively out of practice, so probably utter drivvel.
Mild FOIP for headspace and some of the events from Sunday.

( Encounters With Justice )

 

The Good:
* The Merisusi. You guys rock.
* The Fallen. Likewise, you scary bastards.
* Managing to narrowly avoid being rolled several times.
* Sgt. Major Cooper and some of the best anti-native racism ever.
* The Mill En, and especially their bar.
* The wonderful, wonderful world of contrabando and ineffective druggings.
* Fucking noodles.
* Me being proved right on a very contentious issue regarding a certain Eidolon. Possibly.
* Watching someone get jobbed in Feast, and attempting to drag our surgeon away from her potato to investigate.
* Repeatedly confusing Mardocai and Aestar at night.
* Wondering why Gin was being chased through the camp by Aestar, and coming to conclusions regarding "tentacled relations"
* The fireworks - "They're blowing up the sky!"
* The dragon puppet thing. Exceptionally cool.
* Religion game FTW!

The Bad:
* Coldcoldcoldcoldcold
* Losing two of the colony's IC tents to the wind
* People who I really needed to talk to not turning up.

My personal list, built up over the last few years, based on:
http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=608704

Mage

1. The Linux penguin is not an appropriate patron spirit for a Dreamspeaker
2. I am forbidden from playing a Hermetic named Solomon, and taking any form of seal as my familiar
3. Jokes revolving around the phrase “Hermetically sealed” are verboten
4. Akashics with the Echoes disadvantage are not allowed to speak in badly dubbed English
5. Quantum physics does not make teleportation coincidental
6. Magic is either coincidental or vulgar, not blaggable.
7. No marauders based on Dr. Who

 

D&D

1. The Cleric of Atheism is not a viable concept
2. Killing David Hasselhoff cannot be passed off as a good act
3. No casting Holy Word in public places
4. The Paladin is not “Lawful Anal”, nor “Lawful Stupid”
5. Wee Jas is not “just misunderstood”
6. No using Create Water and the laws of physics to make a ridiculous kill spell
7. Cannot cast Create Water targeted inside another creature
8. No painting the war-forged black and calling him Mr. Kettle
9. No selling party members into slavery
10. No soliciting for the Paladin
11. There is no God of Dramatic Irony
12. “Pimp My War-Forged” does not exist in Eberron, nor am I allowed to create it
13. My henchmen are not “Mr. Spear and Mr. Carrier”
14. No basing bards off of Bill Bailey
15. And especially may not have a bardic song to inspire courage read "Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill the trolls; hunt them down, there will be no clemency"
16. That crusading type in the heavy armour is the Paladin of the Silver Flame. Not the Paladin of Technicalities, or the Paladin of Whoa Dude.
17. Even if I do succeed in forming a personality cult, I do not gain divine rank
18. Nor can I grant myself spells
19. If the recruitment method involves cha 18+ greased up lesbians making out, it's banned. And what's more, the local clerics will probably have something to say about it.
20. No taking the piss out of Kingdoms of Kalamar deities. Even if they do have silly names.
21. A half-brick in a sock is not the chosen weapon of any deity. Even in Kalamar.
22. The cleric of fertility may not use his Johnson as a holy symbol. And especially not as a blessed weapon.
23. Not allowed to taunt the paladin using lines from Star Wars
24. Not allowed to mimic the mating call of the Terrasque with Ghost Sound again

 

Deadlands

1. No building weather-control devices without a royal flush
2. Faith and stubbornness do not provide adequate protection from dynamite
3. No welding the Harrowed into a suit of plate mail to create an unstoppable killing machine
4. No Harrowed cybernetics outside of Hell on Earth, even if I do make the engineering roll
5. If the explosion can be seen from the other side of Utah, I can’t get a Harrowed pull from it
6. Any character from Duncan, Idaho will be shot
7. No amount of animal wrangling will let me ride rattlers
8. No mad-science flaming swords
9. Even if I am the seventh son of a seventh son, that does not give me the right to continually quote Iron Maiden at the table
10. Starting with eight joker effects and a veteran pull means I need a damn good background
11. Kneecapping a member of the Wheatley family is not a recipe for a long and peaceful life
12. No infinitely recurring sidekicks
13. Mad scientists make poor Blessed
14. Even if there isn’t a maximum size for a consecrated weapon, I cannot consecrate continental plates
15. Or the Atlantic Ocean
16. Even if it is possible to gain Arcane Backgrounds in game, I’m unlikely to pick up Blood Magic without being related to the Wheatley family
17. Not allowed to attempt to claim coup on my breakfast
18. I am advised not to shout “Coup! Coup!” after every single kill my character makes
19. Not allowed to claim coup on chickens. Nor claim coop on chickens.
20. For the last time, it’s not a manatee in my head

 

D20 Modern

1. Voodoo Fondue is not an incantation
2. Jamaican Man is not a viable superhero concept
3. Forbidden from referring to our party leader as “Captain Fabulous”
4. There is no such thing as “Save vs. Nazi”
5. Speedos do not provide a defence bonus
6. 1930’s American teenagers are unlikely to possess “Alien Craft Operation” as a feat
7. Ditto “Armour proficiency: powered”
8. I am not allowed to start with 10,000 rolls of duct tape, even if the rules allow it
9. Especially in the 1930’s teenager scenario

 

Seventh Sea

1. Use of the phrase “Nobody expects the Castillian Inquisition!” will result in Bad Things Happening
2. Porte is not the answer
3. There is no such thing as the Exquisition
4. To be nominated as the greatest scholar in the city, I should at least have the scholar skill
5. The holy dove of St. Lucita is not to be referred to as the “Glorious Chicken”
6. There are always guards in the bank
7. No shooting the Piñata

 

Vampire

1. There are no fag breaks in hell
2. There is no such thing as “aggravating damage”
3. Even if Dirty Secrets of the Black Hand was cannon, which it isn’t, I wouldn’t be allowed to play a Soul Parasite
4. There is no “Path of What I Was Going To Do Anyway”, nor a “Path of Least Resistance”
5. Salubri cannot hide in plain sight amongst the Tremere
6. I cannot escape hell by taking the piss out of the demons until they give up and let me go
7. None of the traditions read “…unless it’s funny”
8. Telling Mephistopheles to stick his deal where the sun don’t shine is probably not the best of ideas
9. For the love of God, no more Abominations!
10. This goes double for Metis Abominations
11. No Caitiff with the any of the following disciplines: Temporis, Valeren, Bardo, Mythracia, Serpentis or Obeah. Especially if these are ALL of their disciplines.
12. Not allowed to buy my way out of hell with half a dead gecko
13. Taking Dark Secret, Hunted, Red Rage and Addiction: Diablerie is not a recipe for a long and peaceful life
14. Nor is having Lord of Chaos as a permanently active derangement
15. No, you cannot play a Child of Osiris. Nor a Nagaraja. And especially not a True Brujah.
16. There is an upper limit to the number of animals you can ghoul in one downtime action. This limit is less than 1000.
17. Taking Clan Hatred will bite you in the arse sooner than expected.
18. If you try and use theft of vitae on the Assamite again, you will get what you deserve.

 

Kult

1. Not even a death wish requires me to attempt to gut Razides with a bowie knife
2. “Get their attention” does not always mean “shoot the police chief”
3. No longer allowed to ask if every single NPC “walks like a 19^th century serial killer”

 

Pendragon

1. No min-maxing for seduction
2. “Nunc Est Bibendum” is not a valid family motto
3. Nor is “Nil Illegitimi Carborundum”
4. Nor is “Sodomy non Sapiens”
5. The theft of musical instruments is not “luteing”
6. No jokes using the phrases “my Knight off”, “a Knight on the town”, “a Knight out”, “Knight of the living dead”, etc.

 

Warhammer FRPG

1. The Witch-Hunters are not the “Deus Ex Machina Special Forces”
2. Nor does their leader drive a GM Fiat
3. No jokes about the Camp Follower
4. In order to become a vampire hunter, I should at least have seen a vampire

 

Maelstrom

1. There is no such person as Baron Tesco, and even if there was he would not be a wine merchant in Flambard
2. Port is not the official currency of the Flambard colony, except in the Gentles’ Society
3. An imminent invasion attempt is not “a minor problem with a few angry Malathians”
4. A bad Irish accent is not a mandatory part of Malathian phys-rep (it can be a bad Scottish accent instead)
5. It is generally considered bad form to “accidentally” shoot the prisoner in the foot to stop him running away
6. The Weaver is not the god of Sex ‘n’ Drugs ‘n’ Rock ‘n’ Roll
7. Although the Jaguar is.
8. Creating a group of Eidolons of the Teacher called Team Fidelia is verboten
9. Carrying two pistols, a sword and four concealed daggers makes one an irredeemable munchkin
10. Even if PD’s motto is “if you can phys-rep it, we’ll provide the lammy”, there is no way I can use a grand piano as a weapon
11. I cannot inflict mortal wounds with puns, no matter how bad
12. “A spanking for a spanking” is not part of the Huntress Creed
13. Nor are there such things as “Shotgun Initiations”
14. Nor am I required to take vengeance for someone passing the Port the wrong direction
15. Whilst in the Maelstrom, Eidolons do not “Idle on”
16. May not found a group of sexually liberated Malathian minstrels by the name of the Gay Gordons
17. Any plan which reads: “Step one – acquire 400 doses of oco powder” will be vetoed
18. There is no lesser manifestation of the Teacher called “The Classroom Assistant”
19. Not allowed to play a self-aware Eidolon of the Teacher known as “The Rules Lawyer”
20. Rule 7 is not part of the Teacherite Creed
21. Jaguar is not the God of Blowshituppus
22. My hat is not a talismanic undead racoon, and does not negate mortal wounds
23. Nor can it attack for singles
24. My first response to any threat should not be to ask how much to borrow the trebuchet
25. Not everything can be solved with the liberal application of trebuchets
26. Not allowed to further encourage the proliferation of siege weapons
27. Not allowed to start a Schaffhausen group and turn up with six trebuchets and a dozen arbalests, even if it would be awesome
28. Not allowed to further encourage the White Wolves to smear themselves in Geum chutney before attacking the Wasps
29. Suicide runs against House Bakhana are best left to Eidolons, who can get up afterwards
30. Not allowed to re-apply for my previous character’s job, even by accident
31. Not allowed to conduct supplications for divine vengeance against my previous character’s killers, even by accident
32. Not allowed to become involved in exactly the same plot as my previous character, even by accident
33. The throwing daggers really aren’t needed. Ever.
34. There is no “vaporise” setting on a flintlock
35. The High Bore is not “for when you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker in the tent”. That’s what trebuchets are for.
36. May not cast Heaven’s Truth Revealed every five seconds just for kicks
37. Whilst kidnapping people and tattooing them with notorious soul-symbols may be amusing, it isn’t a sure-fire method of assassinating them.
38. Not allowed to initiate random passers by into my church for no reason other than to increase the number of potential participants in an upcoming supplication
39. Not allowed to instigate any form of “devotee exchange” system involving repeatedly re-initiating devotees through a number of allied faiths purely to increase the number of potential supplicants
40. Supplication is not the “Ritual of Ming Plz”
41. Not allowed to encourage the Arethusa to create a low-riding, pimped-out corsair